The big question I was asked today by several friends and family members is what I was going to do to commemorate Sean’s second anniversary. The truth is, I didn’t know what to do. I toyed with the idea of going to one of his favourite restaurants. Maybe a visit to our church. Then thought I would spend time in the ER where everything went down two years ago. To be honest, nothing felt right and I was puzzled and confused. And a bit angry.
So I went back to my blog post, which I wrote on Sean’s first anniversary. Two lines, that I had written from Sean’s perspective, stuck out for me: “You don’t need to let widowhood define you. You don’t need to behave and act in a certain manner because it is expected of you.”
Immediately I realized, I didn’t have to do anything. I didn’t even need to write this blog post. All I really wanted was to spend some quiet time alone at 10.05 p.m. (the official time of passing that the doctor called) like I always do on the 26th of each month and say a silent prayer that Sean was happy wherever he was.
Prayer, silence and solitude — all in the hope that Sean is sitting by my side, holding my hand and whispering in my ear that everything is going to be okay. Because you know what, everything will be. No wait, everything is. I have an Angel in heaven who proves to me every day that he’s got my back and that I’m never alone. We will always have a deep and special connection, in life and in death. That’s infinity points for me. Zilch for you cancer.
I don’t need to tell you how much I love or miss you Sean because you know I do. Going to put some Snow Patrol on in a bit and not think about what happened two years ago, but about the 11 years we enjoyed together instead.
Until we meet again, sleep well my Angel.
Sean was an utter romantic and used to write me poetry. This one is from way back in 2002 but took on a whole new meaning after he earned his angel wings. Hope you enjoy it. (Yes, the man was a super talented poet AND writer.)
The air outside is so hard
It’s crashing hard onto my soul
To think I wouldn’t let down my guard
And allow you to make me whole.
And like the mile walker
Praying for redemption quick
I turn my attention to the future
And hope to make it in time’s nick.
You warmed my every night
Delivered me from every fright
And while they took every emotion from my brain
Like water down a drain
I suffered hard and long
You, like alabaster, protected me strong.
Not for you, for me
That was hard to understand
Impossible to see.
Your face as clear as day your soul purer still
You held my hand helped me stand
And I have buried my past
Prolonged agony can never end soon
And while questions last
It all ended one pale dry afternoon
That’s when I realized you compass my heart
And if my future lies ahead
Then it’s with you I want to start
I watched the world drift
My emotions shift
The wind it whispered , ‘twas insistent
My dulling soul regained its happy glint.
Your face inspires a million words
With which I could rule a million more
You love strengthens my aching will
I face a thousand foes.
I bore a million stabs to my injured heart
I fooled myself from the start
With you there’s no deceit no lies
No anxiety no unending goodbyes.
Your kiss upon my face
My fingers through your lace
If the world ended here
Nothing I fear.
Everyone’s heaven differs
That’s why faith suffers
While everyone waits for the unending light to shine
I’m the blessed one, I’m in love with mine
Sean Richard D’Souza – March 3, 2002