Month 22

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It was in the month of November, many moons ago (okay, 2001 to be exact) in Bombay that Sean asked me to be his girlfriend. You know, actually “make it official”.  It didn’t make a difference to me because we had basically been a couple since April, a quick month and a half after meeting each other. We just hadn’t made it a big deal telling friends and family. It was obvious. We were always together. If not, we were on the phone talking. It was the sweet old MSN chat days and when we weren’t on the phone, we would be chatting with each other on the Internet. Insert all the nauseatingly cute adjectives about lovey-dovey couples here.

So it’s funny, 12 years later I’m sitting alone on my couch writing this post. No Sean. No Bombay. Instead, a framed photograph and a cold, cold Toronto. Talk about life changing drastically. Talk about never being able to predict what tomorrow is going to bring. (Okay seriously, can someone pour me a glass of wine already?)

But while it’s easy to turn this post into a pity party, that’s not what it is about. As today marks 22 months since Sean earned his angel wings, for me it marks 22 months of new beginnings and new learnings. It’s a time for me to give thanks and be grateful for being able to navigate these months solo and still have a smile on my face. Each little milestone has been a small victory for me. Some might seem completely inane, but still feel like an achievement.

I became a homeowner in October 2012.

I found Muay Thai. And I’ve gained solid friendships through the gym. I also really dislike getting hit in the face when sparring. Really, really dislike it.

I’ve learned that I actually like hanging out by myself. Going to a restaurant or movie alone isn’t so intimidating anymore.

I’ve reconnected with friends I had lost touch with and learned to be open about making new friends. Unfortunately, I’ve also lost friends in the process.

I’ve traveled to the three cities I always wanted to visit. New York, London, Paris – check, check, check! Las Vegas and Gifhorn were a nice little bonus.

One of the best things I did this year was attend the first Widows’ Wellness Day. It helped put a lot of my life in perspective.

I’ve been pleasantly surprised to learn that people describe me using words like inspiring, strong and brave. But, I’m no saint.  Some people think I’m aggressive and hostile. (In my defense, I was probably upset by another matter and they bore the brunt of my bubbling emotions or they had actually pissed me off. I’m human. It happens. I claim my 50 per cent role in the exchange).

So hubby, it’s getting a little bit better dealing with the 26th of each month but I still feel like my heart is replaced by a massive boulder when the day rolls around. But tonight I’m going to pour myself some wine (I’ll need it after Muay Thai class) and toast to the good fortune that we crossed each other’s paths in this lifetime. To the laughs we shared, every tear we shed together and the silly tiffs we had. For being an angel to me here on earth and still protecting me while in heaven.

I love and miss you Seanigan.

Sleep well my angel.

Bev x

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